Big City Dreams

If you know me, you know that I am basically obsessed with living in a big wonderful city someday. I thought I would just fangirl about that some more today. I mean really, look ^ at that picture, doesn't it make you want to live there and never leave. I can't even think about living there without getting seriously excited. I have no idea where this love for cities started, actually scratch that, I think it was in Berlin. 

Or maybe Paris?

Or maybe it was London or St. Petersburg or Prague or Rome or Barcelona or Florence or DC.

I don't know, I can't really say, but I do know that this love of cities has grown through the years, and now it is not just a want, it is a need. I absolutely need to live in a city. Yes, I do realize that actually living in a city is different than visiting it and that there are pros and cons to anywhere. I just read someone's blog about how moving to NYC stacked up to their expectations; if you want you can read that here. BUT, I still want to live there. I just want to try it out, maybe it will suck, maybe it will majorly disappoint me, but maybe it will be everything I hope for. You just never know until you try...right? 

Right now I am promising myself that I will live in a city someday. Maybe it will only be for a year or maybe 50 years who knows, but I am going to do it no matter what. It will happen. 

I'm tired...

I am so tired. I am so tired of hating my life. I am so tired of having no friends. I am so tired of wishing for a rewind button. I am so tired of worrying about the future. I am so tired of feeling disgusting when I look in the mirror. I am so tired of seeing my Dad sick. I am so tired of seeing my Mom cry. I am so tired of feeling judged all the time.I am so tired of feeling alone in the world.  I am so tired of feeling worthless. I am so tired of me. I am so tired of all the crap that's going on in the world. I am so tired of Texas. I am so tired of missing Germany so bad that I want to cry. I am so tired of feeling helpless to stop or affect anything around me. I am so tired of wanting to escape my reality. I am so tired of pretending that I haven't changed or been affected by anything. I am so tired of not wanting to feel anything. I am so tired of waiting to be happy. I am done with it all.

Since my world went crazy in August, I have been pretty much wallowing in self-pity and hate of the situation. I have decided today to stop that. I have decided to (finally) try to make the best of the situation, and try to be happy. Now I can't promise to be happy-go-lucky 24/7 from now on, but I can promise that I am going to try stop wallowing and try to do something that makes me happy. I am going to invest in my schoolwork. I am going to try to have a better relationship with my parents. I am going to try (fingers crossed, no promises, people are mean) to make friends. I am going to try to get a job. I am going to try to find the good in this situation. I am going to try to like Texas. I am going to try to have a better outlook on life. I am going to try to look forward happily to the future. I am going to try to be happy. I am going to try to be positive. I am going to try to...

Mom gave me this quote on a canvas for Christmas: "Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you've always imagined." I guess that is my New Years resolution. I know that I am never going to be 100% successful, but I can try and I will try and that's all that matters. I can't change my situation, but I guess I can change how I look at it. Because I am so tried of being tired....

The Last Days of 2013

Well I guess I haven't posted since I was in Germany, so its about time for a post. I left Katie's house on a Thursday morning and it was extremely sad, especially because I don't know when I will see them again! Then I had another amazing weekend with the bestie! We had a lot of fun! Her Dad even took us to see the Nutcracker which I have never seen (I have never seen any ballet for that matter)

 

And we GASP dyed my hair brown! That decision started in Germany when I got my hair cut by Katie's german friends the Wagnitz's. I decided that I wanted a complete change so I cut it and decided to dye it when I got to Ashlynne's house, so we did! Funny story though, the first time we went to buy hair dye we stupidly only bought one box, which we decided later was not enough for my thick hair. So the next day when we went back to get another one they were (just my luck) out of the one we had gotten before. So..... we had to get creative and we got a color that was close enough to the other one and we mixed them together and hoped for the best. I am glad I did it with Ash, because I could not have done it by myself (it probably would have turned green)

                                        

It definitely took awhile to get used to but I am glad I did it. It was a good change. It was funny every morning for awhile after I dyed it I would look in the mirror and be shocked that my hair was brown, actually I guess it turned out sort of reddish brown but oh well. 

Ash talked me into going ice skating with her. Which I am glad she did. The last time I went ice skating I was a seriously awful, I fell so much! However this time for the first time ever, I got the hang of it after awhile and wasn't pathetically hanging on to the side. That was a fun night.

Then sadly I had to fly back to Texas. I wish I lived closer to DC. sigh. Maybe someday my bestfriend will live in the same place as me, that would be nice. Getting back to Texas was kind of a shock, I guess I was just amazed all over again that we really lived here and everything really did change. Craziness sometimes I wonder how it all happened. Everything is SO different. However it was nice to have a big wonderful bed again. Anyway then it was Christmas time! I feel like Christmas creeped up on me this year. Probably because of all the sun here in TX, it is so not Christmasy feeling. It was like BOOM christmas BOOM its over. Weird. Maybe its because of the lack of normalcy, christmas markets, christmas decor overload, weird german christmas tv, etc. Anyway Christmas was good I guess. 

                                        

       

 In the afternoon we did our annual gingerbread house competition. I'm not sure who won... but it was fun none the less.

  Me and Stella made Kontiki beach in France where we used to go for two weeks every summer.

 Curt and Erik made the Parthenon with a twist

 Mom and Dad made the church by our house in Germany

We also went to the Riverwalk and went on a boat tour, which was pretty cool with the christmas lights and everything. I didn't really get any great pictures of that, they were all kind of blurry but it was pretty cool. Right before Erik left we had a crazy marshmallow fight with marshmallow guns that Mom got us for Christmas. That was pretty cool. That was pretty much Christmas in a nutshell. And then..... three days later was my birthday! Yes, its true I am now finally 17. It's funny I remember when I turned 15 I was like just so excited that I would be turning 17 in two years, and now that I'm 17 I am just kind of looking forward to 18. I guess the grass is always greener and all that. 

 This was my Birthday present, Seventeen magazine (because now I'm "old enough to read it"), and $120 Mom made me a fun scavenger hunt around the house to find it. So that was exciting.

 Somebody gave me a birthday heart attack.Now when I'm hungry I just go and eat my door! Just Kidding, but it was really sweet except.......of course they spelled my name wrong. I blame this one on my parents for giving me such an extremely complicated name, nobody ever gets it right. A+ for effort though.

Yes I do realize that there is only 12 candles but they at least made is say 17 so its another A+ for effort. 

And its TIE-DYE! SWEET!

Stella commented that it felt like eating play dough, but I thought it was delicious.Not a world class birthday but a good one nonetheless. I went shopping with Mom and Stella to the mall. I didn't find anything fantastic but I did wear my new boots for the first time so its all good. I asked Mom about going to NYC for the big 18th Birthday and she said maybe so hopefully I can bring that up to a definitely by the time my birthday comes around next year. Then it was New Years! I literally have no pictures because we literally did nothing. Usually New Years is a big huge affair with a fancy dinner, games, TONS of fantastic fireworks and delicious sparkling cider. However this year we... didn't do any of that, I mean the only thing we tried to do was the sparkling cider but we thought of that last minute so we had CVS ginger ale instead. Dad was tired and Stella had to get up early for work the next day so we toasted with ginger ale at 10:00 and everyone went to bed. How pathetic right? I mean New Years is when everyone has huge blowout parties so its kind of sad when you think about it. Oh well, Mom stayed up with me and we watched the ball drop and said Happy New Years and that was it. I think New Years really made me miss Germany because it was always so fun! With all the fireworks and our german neighbors dangerously seting of fireworks while drunk, it was just always a really fun night, and now..... Guess I have to get over it. My New Years resolution is to actually do something for New Years next year. We will see how that goes...Anyway I am now tired of blogging so I will say Ciao!