I'm tired...

I am so tired. I am so tired of hating my life. I am so tired of having no friends. I am so tired of wishing for a rewind button. I am so tired of worrying about the future. I am so tired of feeling disgusting when I look in the mirror. I am so tired of seeing my Dad sick. I am so tired of seeing my Mom cry. I am so tired of feeling judged all the time.I am so tired of feeling alone in the world.  I am so tired of feeling worthless. I am so tired of me. I am so tired of all the crap that's going on in the world. I am so tired of Texas. I am so tired of missing Germany so bad that I want to cry. I am so tired of feeling helpless to stop or affect anything around me. I am so tired of wanting to escape my reality. I am so tired of pretending that I haven't changed or been affected by anything. I am so tired of not wanting to feel anything. I am so tired of waiting to be happy. I am done with it all.

Since my world went crazy in August, I have been pretty much wallowing in self-pity and hate of the situation. I have decided today to stop that. I have decided to (finally) try to make the best of the situation, and try to be happy. Now I can't promise to be happy-go-lucky 24/7 from now on, but I can promise that I am going to try stop wallowing and try to do something that makes me happy. I am going to invest in my schoolwork. I am going to try to have a better relationship with my parents. I am going to try (fingers crossed, no promises, people are mean) to make friends. I am going to try to get a job. I am going to try to find the good in this situation. I am going to try to like Texas. I am going to try to have a better outlook on life. I am going to try to look forward happily to the future. I am going to try to be happy. I am going to try to be positive. I am going to try to...

Mom gave me this quote on a canvas for Christmas: "Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you've always imagined." I guess that is my New Years resolution. I know that I am never going to be 100% successful, but I can try and I will try and that's all that matters. I can't change my situation, but I guess I can change how I look at it. Because I am so tried of being tired....