Motivational Monday (ish)

So haha since I've forgotten to post for like weeks at a time, I'm sort of combining two ideas in one. They are sort of related to each other...ish. 

Lately I have been getting a lot of practice with this. I have two friends who have depression and have been having a hard time recently. Twice this week two different people have called me and asked me to come over because they were in a really bad place. I went over of course and talked through things with them and tried to make things better.Afterwords I really felt like I had done something important and made a difference in their lives, at least for that day. I feel like it's a really important thing to notice when someone is going through a hard time and to try help them. I know I try really hard to cheer people up and make them feel valued and loved, hopefully I can accomplish that, if nothing else. Basically pay it forward. 

On the other hand. Always being the one who is always there for people can be so exhausting.Not that I would ever ever regret helping somebody on a dark day in their life but lately I've realized something about myself in terms of interacting with my friends. I am a pushover. I am a follower. I will do anything to make someone else happy, even if I'm not. I don't stand up for myself. I avoid confrontation whenever I can. I am a really great friend, I will spend hours upon hours listening to your life drama and ask nothing in return. I am really good at listening and giving advice. I don't really fully understand if this is a good or a bad thing about me.Because of this I always end up getting to know people really well really fast but I don't think anyone ever gets to know me. I think it might be a bad thing. I feel as if my whole life especially in terms of friends I have always been the stable one who is always there for the other person no matter what. I sometimes feel like my friendships are one sided, I mean don't get me wrong, I love my friends and we have so much fun together and I wouldn't trade them for anything but I feel like I am always the one listening and never speaking. Honestly there is absolutely no one in this whole world who I feel like I can talk to about anything, and that makes me feel really sad and lonely sometimes. I think it is definitely a flaw of mine, I feel like whenever I talk about myself I am being selfish or something. I definitely have my selfish moments but I've realized that talking about my thoughts and feelings should not be something I feel selfish doing. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just speak without worrying all the time? I mean I've always known this about myself but I've realized that I HATE it. I just want to be the kind of person that can blab on and on about themselves for hours at a time without realizing that they are annoying. Well ok maybe not that kind of person exactly but I just wish I felt like I could talk to someone. I have a lifetime of feelings and thoughts that are just stuck floating around my head with nowhere to go. I just feel like no one is interested so I always push the conversation towards the other person. Anyway....just something I've been thinking about recently. Maybe now that I'm really aware of this fact I can consciously just try to not do...all that ^.

Just thoughts. I will probably read this back over in a month and think I was being silly but for now this is how I'm feeling.

-XOXO-